There comes a time in every single Jewish girl’s life when she downs just enough Diet Coke to propel her to make unwise decisions. In this particular case and with this particular girl, the unwise decision was making a free JDate account.
Now, in order to take view your potential future husband, you must answer a serious of asinine questions, including but not limited to, the three items that are found in your refrigerator at all times. (Not that it’s of value, but mine are Chobani yogurt, sliced pineapple, and carrot sticks. And though I may sound like an anorexic girl, I’m far from it.)
And after you have taken these steps, you learn the following insights about New York male Jewry:
1) Finance. Finance. Finance. Perhaps I am overly sensitive on this professional matter because I live with two individuals who live and breathe this industry. But, seriously, are there no Jewish plumbers these days? The first 15 matches I got listed “finance/accounting” as their career. And while I can play the private equity vs hedge fund game at cocktail hour, I’d hardly call this career my soulmate.
2) ThatIsMe and GeneralMan. Despite the fact that JDate explicitly states in creating a username, one should make sure to employ both creativity and common sense, 99.9% of men on this site appear to ignore this warning. Instead, they turn to their two year old nephew and seek his advice. And before you know it ThatIsMe is flashing before your eyes over and over again.
3) Lots of babies. Unlike some secular dating sites, men on JDate want wives and children. And lots of them– the kids, not wives. I’d venture to say the average guy wants 2-5. Oy, my uterus is hurting just contemplating those numbers.
4) Baseball: the sport of the Jewish people. Though a Yankee fan by birth (Bronx pride!), I couldn’t name more than two players on the team. Well, apparently that does not bode well for my dating future because these boys like their baseball teams. And any woman worth her salt better buy a pack of baseball cards and brush up.
5) Height exaggeration. As my own network has shown through the remarkably popular show-Catfish– people invariably lie about something in their dating profiles. And with Jewish men, it’s height. Our people are notably on the short side, and yet the typical JDate profile height is 6’1”. That’s statistically impossible, unless the only Jews on JDate are of Scandinavian origin.
Now given these discoveries, I have decided to proceed no further with my JDate account. I’ll cling to some Hollywood notion of romance, or I’ll adopt a cat. At least the cat would not make me know baseball stats.