Now I know what all my idealistic readers are thinking, “she’s sold out, in the classic money-grubbing, Park Avenue penthouse sense.” And perhaps I have sacrificed a piece of my soul to capitalist gods of Wall Street. But, in all honesty, it’s just an information session, where I will likely learn that without having ever taken an economics class, I am most certainly not qualified for investment banking.
However, should the recruiter permit me to justify why I have chosen a career for which I have little qualification, I have compiled a list of the benefits to be gained from the experience.
1. A continuous, unlimited supply of Starbucks. Even if and when my magical Starbucks card goes into retirement, I will be making enough money to practically buy my own personal Starbucks barista. He– likely a gay New York actor wannabe type (GNYAWT)– will follow me from client meeting to client meeting, brewing and perfecting my lattes before my very hyper-caffeinated eyes.
2. A killer Banana Republic/J.Crew/Anthropologie inspired wardrobe. For all those who hate on the working woman and her propensity for heels, I say, “you’re just jealous you can’t afford her garb.” And, if and when I become an I-Banker, I will no longer be one of those resentful girls in a sundress and flats because, well, I’ll own the sleek black wrap dress and Jimmy Choo heels.
3. Master the art of being a night owl. Sometimes I feel like I am an 80 year old woman trapped in a 21 year old body. I just need so much sleep and at such ridiculously early hours of the night. As I-Banking will require me to work until at least midnight each day of the week, I figure I will learn the art of never sleeping before 2 AM. And a built in perk, I’ll also learn to be a morning rooster, as I’ll be up at the crack of dawn to begin my work day.
1. A zumba class for all my fellow employees. Yes, there is a little spot on my resume under which I list my special skills. One such skill: ability to zumba– meaning teach all those without rhythm how to dance in spite of their hips, which not only don’t lie, but don’t seem to move or groove at all. And let’s be honest, most I-Bankers are not future Shakiras. They could use a little help in the hip shaking department.
2. A built in matchmaking service. Between my mother, my married-with-kids high school friends, and the astrological calendar, I am a lean, mean matchmaking machine. And as I-Bankers have little time to play the field, they need some outside assistance– to speed up the process, wedding ring and honeymoon in Hawaii and all.
3. Cupcake Fridays. We all know cupcakes are alive and well, and this little New Yorker is attempting to master the art of cupcakery. After sampling quite a few such locations this summer, I believe I may well be on my way to having a mix next to Betty Crocker in your local Stop ‘n’ Shop. In the interim, though, I propose practicing my craft on my co-workers every Friday. I think of it as a delectable way to kick off the weekend, which knowing the profession, will likely involve a Saturday and Sunday spent in the office, slurping up the remaining contents of the latte my GNYAWT left behind before departing for his RENT audition.