Lesson from a former District Attorney’s Office employee

Rule number one in appropriate criminal etiquette:  Defendants exclusively attack people they know. Only certifiable psychopaths attack complete strangers. Therefore, when– as a member of law enforcement– you begin an investigation, you assume all friends and family members of the victim to be suspects first.

December 3rd, 12:30 PM– A 58 year old man is forcibly pushed in front of an oncoming Q train and immediately dies from the collision. I proceed to text my roommate to inform her of the crime, as she and I pass through the station of the alleged murder twice a day Monday-Friday.

She immediately panics. A killer is on the loose, and he is lurking within a 10 block radius of our two offices of employment. I, however, retain my signature desensitized New York cool. Which is to say, I return to rule number one of appropriate criminal etiquette. There was clearly an altercation between two people familiar enough with one another that one person’s rage propelled him to commit a state crime. Such brutality rarely springs from a chance encounter.

I then call my mother and ask, “Do you think I’ve offended any family member or friend?” Confused, she asks why. I explain the 49th St murder, and then state, “But I should be in the clear because these things tend to happen between people who know each other. So if I haven’t angered, frustrated,or offended anyone too greatly, my life is mine to live.”

My mother quickly affirms that as far as she is aware, I am not on anyone’s hit list. I take solace in her affirmation and hang up. But just to be safe, I board a different train to work today. After all, he may not be my killer, but somebody’s killer is on the loose, and I’m not about to spend 20 minutes squished between him and a subway poll.

NOTE: A suspect was apprehended around 3 PM this afternoon. I have returned to my old commuting routine.


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