And this is why I don’t live in Utah.

On the first day of 10th grade my class merited the infamous Rabbi Francis lecture on why men and women could never be platonic. We– the ladies– were show dogs, and every man’s objective was to land the the winning show dog. He noted that said dog dressed modestly, spoke little, and knew how to bake one hell of a challah.

While I stared in disbelief at his rather absurd pup analogy, my classmates nodded in complete agreement. They were content being compared to animals on display, and more importantly they truly believed that was how every boy with a yarmulke viewed them. In that regard, my classmates determined to wear the longest skirts possible, pursue professions within the confines of the Jewish community, and master the art of Friday night dinner.

I, being the difficult one that I have always tended to be, grimaced in the corner. This, of course, attracted Rabbi Francis’s attention. And when he questioned my response, I said, “I disagree.” Fearing I had male friends, he invited me to schmooze with him about the matter after class. During said chat, in which he chastised my liberal ideology, he informed me that Orthodox Jews were not the only ones who thought in this manner.

And seven years later, while I still vehemently disagree with his claim, I have discovered that he was right in regards to the latter issue– that other groups of people, in this case Mormon, shared his sentiment. And hence, avid readers, I have decided that I will under no circumstances move to Utah. No matter how fabulous their Tabernacle Choir may be.

Below I provide audio-visual proof of my aversion to Salt Lake and Co.:

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