1) Homeless men feel a certain kinship to you. I refer to this as the “schmutz factor.” When you board a subway at say 5:45 in the morning, on route to take one of your kids to school, the bums who have spent the night on the train offer you their jackets as substitute pillows and blankets. In other words, they think you’re one of them. And when you reply, “Um, no thanks,” they respond, “You greasy, girl.”
2) Security guards inspect your photo identification more closely than usual– particularly security guards who stand outside Jewish day schools on the Upper West Side. Their reasoning is simple: if a terrorist is about to detonate himself, he probably isn’t too concerned about his personal hygiene.
3) Your boss limits all form of communication to email. Rather than invite herself into your office, she maintains the requisite 4 foot distance from you at all times. Also, when passing you in the hall, she acts as if you are stranger wandering the 8th floor aimlessly– a lost puppy dog, in need of some tender, love, and bathing.
4) The boy you’ve made plans to see over the weekend suddenly has an undiagnosed medical condition he must contend with… and must reschedule your little shindig indefinitely. After all, who knows how long it will take to diagnosis the mysterious disease?
5) Your roommates suddenly engage in urban emigration, fleeing your apartment for the comforts of suburban oases on Long Island and in Massachusetts, respectively. They claim they must visit friends they haven’t seen in ages (read: a week), but in actuality, it’s not about them– it’s totally about you.
Things I will never neglect to make time for: showers.