I feel like such a tulle.

I am pleased to inform my readers that today’s entry is brought to you courtesy of Slightly Shiksa, the shortest WASP I have ever had the fortune to meet. Not to fear, what she lacks in height, she makes up for in witty and highly sardonic commentary… particularly on my favorite subject: marriage– or a lack thereof.

NB: She uses quite a bit of Hebrew and Yiddish terminology. For translation, please consult here.

Well everyone, it’s June again. A time when many a goyim‘s mind turns to thoughts of a respectable union with a another goyim of similar parentage. As Tevye would say, “tradition…TRADITION,” or as Scarlett O’Hara would say: “fiddle-dee-dee, Brent Tarleton.”

It’s also the time that my mind starts to work overtime spitting fire and bile over the American Wedding (and weddings in the modern world in general). I have big drama with the wedding industry At Large.

So, everybody hold onto their kippot, sheitels, and (if you’re one of my people) sweet-ass British wedding lids, and let’s get started.

My problem with the whole wedding schpiel is that it seems explicitly designed to say: “The Bigger the Wedding, the Better the Love.”

The idea that there is a direct relationship between the amount of money spent on a wedding and the strength of the commitment between two people is utterly preposterous. Yet, the entire industry seems to tell women this, and we SWALLOW IT. I consider myself an independent, free thinking woman, but I’m just as prone to buy in. It’s insidious!

In my experience, the things that test a commitment are ill health, children, and finances. When you’re down to the bone in a relationship, you’re not going to be much comforted by the extra thousands you spent on an extra course at dinner. You may wish that money were back in your pocket, and you may even think what a sham that extravagant wedding was in hindsight.

It is widely stated that pornography is a threat to our collective moral health, but what of monetizing the most elusive and precious of human emotions? I’m a big fan of sexual desire, which is what pornography is monetizing. But love? Commitment? It’s so much more corrosive to sell women the idea that you have to spend x amount or else You’re Doing Love Wrong. Don’t get me twisted, there are a lot of ways to do love wrong, but “frugally” isn’t one of them.

It’s not that I don’t think we should acknowledge marriages. Rites of passage are important! I’m enough of an English major to know that. But what of those left out? What about our LGBT brothers and sisters?

Yeah that’s right, I know I just shocked some of you, but I believe I explicitly stated everyone needs to HOLD ONTO THEIR SHEITELS because I have a point to make.

As I was saying, our LGBT brothers and sisters mostly can’t get married, full stop. And what about a young couple who can only afford a city hall marriage? Are their loves and commitments lesser for their lack of a hefty price tag? NOPE.

No two relationships are the same, and yet we all seem to march lockstep up the same aisle.

Of course, what really grinds my gears is that I still find the idea of a fancy wedding deeply appealing, and I’ll probably have one. I want an engagement ring…but it’s about the most anti-feminist thing in the history of history. Humans are easy to market to, and I’ve been good and well taken to market. So, you know, hand me the check and I’ll pay it. But I’m not HAPPY about it, and I definitely see how my imagination was hijacked by an industry that fundamentally doesn’t have my best interests at heart.

Oh, and did I mention I’m twenty-four and single? I can’t believe I even have to have feelings about this!

For the record: spring green and white, outdoor ceremony, mermaid gown – cutout back – must have sleeves.

Dammit.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Email SlightlyShiksa@gmail.com, and in the words of Madonna, “Express yourself.”

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