Relationship Advice from the Girl Without a Boyfriend

As a semi-ambitious second semester senior, I have been wondering why I am perpetually single.  I could blame it on the fact I go to a women’s college. Or, perhaps, I could point to my love of coffee and argue that I am incapable of loving any other human being the way I love my morning cup of Joe. And then there is the historical pattern I have of dating men who then decide they, too, prefer men.

However, my friend Sam would argue that, in truth, I am not really looking to be anything but single. To quote her, “Yaffa, you want a sperm donor more than you want a husband.” I’ll admit it, I talk about children– birthing them, providing them with a constant flow of caffeine, and going into debt to send them to private colleges– more than I talk about most other future aspirations, and more frequently then I kvetch about my marital status.

Nonetheless, I beg to differ with Sam and the aforementioned reasons. These reasons are more precisely pretenses, or excuses for my failure to take a chance on an individual capable of breaking my always caffeinated heart. And in procrastinating on my thesis chapter, I stumbled upon a video in which I realized that men, like me, may share a similar fear, in which case the following g-chat conversation will transpire:

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